New Year, New Me

I suppose the New Year has something to do with the recent fire under my butt. Perhaps it’s more of a combination of factors at play; Miguel is working two jobs so he’s home less, my kids are growing crazy fast and I want to document more, I miss having a social connection with the outside world on a regular basis, I have finally/recently come to terms with me and I want to hold myself accountable.

Recently, I discovered ME; as in me, I, yo.  For as long as I can remember I have been living in a conflicted state of being.  I have always felt the need to create, to work with my hands and my heart but I have pushed myself towards trying to find a more lucrative career.  I have trouble finding satisfaction in ordinary jobs and therefore have had LOTS of them.  With every new step I take towards something I believe would fulfill me, I run away with my tail between my legs.  My fear of failure has kept me from succeeding yet I also fail because of my fear of success. See the conflict?

So I came to these conclusions:

1)      I am a dreamer.  I am ‘that’ friend.  You know, the one who always has some hair brained idea that she shares with passion yet she never follows through.  The friend who means well but just can’t seem to get her shit together career wise.

2)      There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a dreamer and I should keep my mind open.

3)      This year, I resolve to live my life for me and to follow my heart.  To no longer allow outside voices to dictate what is appropriate for me or my family.

4)      Time to use my creativity for a bigger purpose and to allow that side of me to flourish.

5)      I shall embrace my differences and count them as strengths rather than weaknesses.

As you may be able to gather, until now I made a lot of excuses and refused to take full responsibility for myself and my downfalls.  As my children grow, I realize that I may be setting them up for failure to, unless I change my ways.  I’m a firm believer in leading (parenting) by example, so if I want to raise holistically successful children, I had better start living by the same expectations.  Really, who doesn’t want to be fulfilled in all areas of their lives?

Dream big

Ha! A week filled with surprises and wonderment. I drove to Boulder yesterday to take care of some things and as I was driving there my mind wandered to chicken curry. When I arrived at my friend's home to pick him up, he invited me in for lunch: chicken curry, rice, spinach and dahl! They are from Nepal, so this grub was as authentic as you can get and absolutely delicious; exactly what I was hoping to eat. Our business was conducted without snags, our conversation was enlightening and the weather was beautiful. Just a good day all around.

Today has been great too. I had a crazy dream about throwing a huge party at my parents house while they were away and totally got busted when they arrived home early. The best part, they weren't upset at all and just laughed about it. Strange indeed, but a funny way to awake ;)

In the midst of my morning chores, I was pleasantly interrupted by a phone call from my Miggy. We were discussing the possibility of buying Rockies tickets for Opening Day tomorrow when he received a phone call on his work phone; I was put on hold. When he returned to me he explained that the other caller was his coworker who had just offered him Club Level Avalanche tickets for tonight's game against Dallas. We both just started laughing! What are the odds of that? Ask for tickets, receive tickets. So we are watching the Avs for free tonight and having a living room dance party tomorrow during the Rockies game!

Failed Dreams-Just Another Stepping Stone?

My whole life I have felt as though I was failing at something. Then last year, I decided to snap out of that mindset and make a conscious decision to chase my dreams and stop worrying about failure. Although 2008 was filled with complete insanity, I was able to gain valuable experience as a baker and feel a sense of true accomplishment. Oh how quickly we can be knocked off our cloud!

Yesterday I was unfortunately slapped in the face with a serious dose of reality (for me anyway). Since early November two colleagues and I have been pursuing a dream of opening our own wholesale bakery which was to use natural and local products. Everything seemed to be going great, we had prospective clients (some really big awesome ones), we catered a gig or two, we had our name out there, a website ready to go, business cards printed, etc. However, I was struggling with some of the financial aspects of the business plan so I sought outside expertise and attended a meeting with said professional yesterday.

Now I know everyone has made some mistakes in their life, especially in their 20's. However, I made mistakes so often it was almost my form of art! I filed bankruptcy at the tender age of 24 and since moving back to Denver, I have attended two schools and switched jobs almost every six months. I think its safe to say here that I do not look so fantastic on paper and sadly, this is America where we are viewed as a number.

That being said, my informational meeting centered around the financial aspects of opening a business. I wanted the cold, hard truth and I got it. My counselor was a super sweet older and very wise man, who actually had a ton of faith in us and our concept. When I left the meeting I was flooded with an immediate sense of failure. It became apparent that if my name were to be on any of our documents, finding funding now or in the future would be next to impossible. Now to add to my financial misery, Miguel has been working two jobs for sometime now and has been supporting me as I chased my dreams. The poor man is exhausted and its my fault.

I called the Fiancee and we discussed the situation and the truth of the situation is, I am in NO position financially to start a business. I owe $50,000 in student loans and I am currently working under 20 hours a week for $9.50/hour. Not exactly paying any bills with that. So we came to the decision that I need to work full-time and hopefully I can save up some money and try this whole bakery idea again when I get my shit together.

The worst part of all of this was calling my partners and crushing their dream along with mine. I felt/feel like a total asshole and couldn't apologize enough. But, what is done is done and now I have to hit the pavement and find a job (along with the 40,000 other people in CO). Ugh!!!!!

To those of you who had your heart set on Butter Baking Collective, I will still be doing the small gigs on the side as I have been doing for the last 3 years. But, unless some super charitable millionaire out there wants to throw some cash my way, now isn't the time. BOO!!!!